How to talk about gambling

Before you start

Choose a time when neither of you is already angry, rushing or in the middle of gambling. If alcohol or drugs are involved, or you think the conversation could become threatening, do not force it.

It can help to be clear about the specific things that have worried you before you begin. That might be missing money, unpaid bills, borrowing, secrecy, changes in behaviour or the amount of time spent gambling.

Keep it about what you have seen

Try to describe what has actually happened rather than arguing about whether they are “an addict” or whether their gambling is “bad enough”. Specific examples are harder to dismiss and less likely to turn the conversation into a fight over labels.

Listen, but do not lose sight of the impact on you

They may be defensive, embarrassed, angry or convinced they can win the money back. Listening does not mean agreeing with them or accepting behaviour that is harming you.

If the conversation becomes circular, abusive or threatening, you can end it and come back to the issue later. You do not have to keep arguing until they agree with you.

Ask for one realistic next step

A single practical step is often more useful than trying to solve everything in one conversation. That could be looking at the household finances together, contacting a gambling support service, putting a gambling block on a bank account or agreeing not to borrow more money.

If they refuse, that does not mean you are out of options. You can still protect your own finances, set boundaries and get support for yourself.

Things that often make the situation worse

• Trying to catch them out or prove every lie.
• Arguing about losses while they are still gambling or chasing money.
• Making threats you are not prepared to follow through on.
• Repeatedly paying gambling debts without dealing with what is happening underneath.
• Taking responsibility for monitoring every account, bet or movement.